


Just Married!

by robin_X3



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: But then they do, Crack, Eventual Fluff, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Weddings, author doesn't know what she's doing, or an attempt at crack, shizuo and izaya dont like it, shotgun (?) wedding, the whole town likes it, wedding crashers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-03 12:32:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8714080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robin_X3/pseuds/robin_X3
Summary: Shizuo and Izaya end up having a shotgun wedding. Hillarity ensues.
(Warning: Attempted crack.)





	1. Wedding crashed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elliot_S_Roy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elliot_S_Roy/gifts).



Just Married

 

♡

Somewhere in Ikebukuro stood a beautiful big white church, decorated tastefully with white and yellow lilies and orchids. Happiness and cheer was in the air, as comes with the festivities of a sweet and peaceful wedding.

 

Outside the church, a metal pole groaned and broke in half, making its slow journey towards a pristine white car artfully decorated with flowers and parked next to it.

 

Izaya easily dodged the metal pole coming down on his head, chuckled and rushed in through the open church gates and into the hall, where the wedding was taking place.

 

“ _We are gathered here today, on this happy and joyous occasion, to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony….”_

‘Ah, just in time for the vows,’ thought Izaya, and quickly hid himself in the shadows of an arching pillar just inside the gates. Of course he knew losing himself from Shizuo’s sight wasn’t enough to let Shizuo off his tail, as he would eventually hunt him down by his smell, but it would give him enough time to observe these humans in their natural element. He listened to the preacher droning on the marriage vows for the to-be wed couple standing atop the altar:

 

_“Marriage is a solemn institution to be held in honor by all, it is the cornerstone of the family and of the community. It requires of those who undertake it a complete and unreserved giving of one's self. It is not to be entered into lightly, as marriage is a sincere and mutual commitment to love one another. This commitment symbolizes the intimate sharing of two lives and still enhances the individuality of each of you.”_

  
  
"IZAAAAAYAAAA ORIHARA, THINK YOU CAN RUN AWAY, DAMN FLEA?" yelled Shizuo as he caught sight of Izaya barely hidden in the shadows, and rushed at him, tunnel visioned and seeing nothing of his surroundings as his bloodthirsty eyes were set on on nothing but the Flea.

 

_“..Bride, do you take this man to be your wedded husband? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to him as long as you both shall live?”_

 

"I do!" Izaya giggled as he saw Shizuo barrel through the gates of the church, shoving aside the nicely-dressed bridesmaids and groomsmen standing in a neat file there and come barreling down behind him. 'Yay, crashing a wedding,' he thought to himself, and picked up his pace and dashed to stand at the edge of the altar furthest from the raging brute.

 

"And what do you think, Shizu-chan? Think you can catch me, Mister Shizuo Heiwajima, Ikebukuro is My Property?"

 

 _“..Groom, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to her as long as you both shall live?”_   


"I DO!" Bellowed Shizuo, as he uprooted the metal flower decoration stand and stomped his way towards Izaya, and stood up on the altar, facing Izaya. "And damn it when I do catch you I'll choke you and your whiny voice to hell!"

 

 He swung out his weapon-wielding arm to strike at Izaya, but was stopped by a "KYAAAAA!"

 

Both Shizuo and Izaya paused and looked around to see their surroundings as if for the first time.

 

They were standing atop the altar right in front of the preacher;  the whole crowd of guests were staring at them with eyes as big as saucers, and the groom was crying into the bride's shoulder as she glared jealous daggers at Izaya's direction.

 

The screech had come from Erika Karisawa, up at the stained glass window balcony, as she was on camera duty and had recorded everything. She showed both of them very enthusiastic thumbs ups, then proceeded with some crude hand symbols. Shizuo blinked and then squinted up at her, she had made a loop out of her fingers in her right hand and was thrusting her middle finger of her left hand through that loop, and winking at them. ‘Huh, what does that mean?’ he thought, and looked towards Izaya in confusion but was taken aback by the blush on his cheeks, from embarrassment or anger Shizuo couldn’t tell.

 

He took a step back and bumped into the preacher ."Uh, sorry Father."

 

"No, no, it is quite ok.” The preacher cleared his throat.

 

 “Now, Shizuo Heiwajima and Izaya Orihara," the old Preacher spoke, and they both looked at him from their respective places.

 

_“By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”_

 

"WHAT!?"

 

That day, both Shizuo and Izaya agreed on one thing for the first time ever.

 

It was only just the beginning.

 

 

 


	2. Wedding night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this story is tagged under Crack, or an attempt at crack-ish humor. So there might (and will) be OOC-ness, and Shizuo and Izaya will definitely not spend all their time trying to kill eachother.  
> Also, the rating just went up for this chapter. Beware the smex.  
> Enjoy!

“Flea, I’m warning you, do NOT come closer!”

 

“Ne ne, Shizu chan, don’t be so rude to your beloved Waifu now~!” said Flea giggled like a drunk teenager, and decided to do the exact opposite of what Shizuo had just commanded him to do- he prowled closer towards him, his steps a bit unbalanced, his grin far too wide and far too lopsided to match what he’d just said, and started taking off his shirt, jacket and all.

 

“WHAT THE HELL do you think are you doing Flea?!”

Shizuo gripped both of Izaya’s hands to stop him stripping and rattled him a little, as if to shake the craziness out of him.

 

Disoriented, Izaya blinked. His vision settled, he looked at Shizuo with a gaze dripping condescension with the unspoken words ‘I can’t believe you’re so stupid!’

 

His expression changed just as quickly as it’d come, and instead he sang, “Well tonight IS our wedding night Shizu chan! Let’s make some babies~!”

 

Shizuo immediately let go of Izaya’s hands, as if scathed.

 

Izaya stepped closer, swaying whether due to the alcohol or to some unknown beat Shizuo could only wonder. As if to answer him, from somewhere unseen, soft music played:

 

‘So baby pull me closer in the backseat of your rover’***

 

Shizuo decided he’d first kill the Flea, and since he’d be going to prison for murder anyway, he’d kill whoever was responsible for this song too.

 

But now to the problem of the stupid aroused Flea at hand, “Look Izaya, I’m sure you don’t mean that. You’re just a shitty Flea and…and you’re just joking, right?”

 

“Silly Shizu chan~!” chirped Izaya, and with a swift hand movement Shizuo used to think he reserved only for his knives, Izaya took off his pants. “Does **this** look like a joke to you?”

 

His brain overloaded with too much weirdness, Shizuo roared out, “W…Where’s your damn underwear!!?” trying yet failing to pry his eyes away from the **thing** standing tall and proud.

 

How did it come to this?

 

 

♡          [FLASHBACK, to the impromptu wedding:]

“What the fuck!!?” Shizuo started with a yell that quickly turned into an embarrassed murmur, seeing who he was addressing, “I mean, er, Father. What was that?”

 

“Son, you and that boy over there just accepted the vows of Holy Matrimony. You two are now bound together, husband and wife…err, husband. And as rituals follow, you may now exchange wedding rings…”

“Ne Preacher-san, that was funny, can I hear what you just said again?” smiled Izaya, the light passing through the stained glass fell on him and cast ominous multicolor effects on Izaya’s profile and on the knife he’d whipped out to threaten the preacher.

 

“IZAYA-KUN! Don’t threaten the Priest!”

 

“Oh shut up and let me handle it! Or do you really want to stay married to me?”

 

“IZAYA!”

 

“Iza-nii?” “Shizuo nii-san?”

 

Both whipped their heads around to look at who called out to them, finally to notice Akane Awakusu standing at the foot of the stage, flanked on both sides by Mairu and Kururi. The three of them were dressed in beautiful gowns in matching yellow and cream shades, all dolled up for the wedding.

 

“What are you doing here?!” Both Izaya and Shizuo exclaimed simultaneously, then promptly entered a glaring contest.

 

“It’s my aunt’s wedding!” Akane chirped, breaking their battle.

 

“Oh but now it’s Iza nii’s wedding!” Mairu gave him a toothy grin.

 

“Bad nii san, you didn’t tell us (you’d get married).” Kururi intoned.

 

“That’s not what we’re here for!” “No way! Not to this Shitty Flea!”

 

“But aren’t Shizuo nii san and Izaya san good friends?” Akane wondered aloud.

 

“Oh yes, VERY good friends,” Mairu chuckled.

 

“…with benefits..” mumbled Kururi.

 

“FLEA WHAT THE F…WHAT have you been teaching your sisters?”

 

“ME? You’re the one spreading fabricated stories of our relationship, you lying baboon!”

 

“Why you stinking little..!”

 

Shizuo charged at Izaya with the flower décor he still hadn’t let go of, Izaya’s blade glinting and ready for blood.

 

Before they had a chance to clash however, they were yanked back by the collars of their respective shirts and hoisted upward.

 

“Shizu-O! No speak bad language in front of children. In church! For shame!” Simon rebuked, as he detained Shizuo by the waist.

 

“Calm down now Orihara san” warned the smooth voice of Akabaysahi, “We wouldn’t want to scare Miss Akane now **again** , would we?” He dropped him to his feet then, pocketing the blade as he did so with a smile that silently said ‘ _I’ve got my eyes on you- One wrong move and you’ll end up at the bottom of Tokyo Bay.’_

Izaya smiled back innocently, taking a peripheral sweep of all the guests now. As he thought, almost all the heads of the Awakusu Kai were gathered here for the wedding of Akane’s aunt. ( _And he hadn’t even completely cleared his name off of Akane’s Runaway incident*. How lucky!)_

 

His sisters were here too, unfortunately. ( _That his sisters went to the same Dojo as Akane was something that had slipped his mind totally.)_

 

Kadota’s gang were here too _(He knew Walker was an ice-sculptor, so the giant Awakusu logo ice statue must’ve been his artwork; Erika he knew was practicing her hand at photographing professionally, that she stepped into wedding photography must mean she was looking for inspiration for her new manga or doujinshi; Kadota was nowhere to be seen, must’ve been off on tiling duty; Saburo was where his van was, so he was out of the question._

 

 _That answered all the unusual faces (or what could be considered ‘_ unusual _’ for a mob boss’s daughter’s wedding, anyway.)_

_But what was Simon doing here_?

 

“Simon, what are you doing here?” inquired Shizuo.

 

 _Attaboy, Shizu chan! NOW we’re asking the real questions_.

 

“Russia Sushi now cater to weddings!” Simon beamed, as if that explained everything. _Like why would there be SUSHI in a Christian style wedding?_

 

 _Anyway it wasn’t his business_ , Izaya thought, but what he said was “What a delightful wedding! Let’s not drag out the events any further. Sayonara and best wishes to the newly-wed couple!” and smiled a fake-amicable smile at the couple.

 

Ignoring the way said bride was sending death daggers at his and Shizuo’s way, he proceeded to walk off the stage and away from this craziness. But was stopped by the intricate cane on his path.

 

“Izaya nii-san is going to leave Shizuo nii-san on the wedding day?” Akane teared up, desperately trying not to let the tears in her eyes fall at the thoughts of what she thought would result in a heartbroken Shizuo.

 

“A….Akane don’t cry! It’s ok! He’s a traitorous shit anyway...I mean, we can’t get married. We’re both guys!”

 

“True love knows no boundaries, be it race, or gender,” claimed the Priest.

 

“….” Shizuo said eloquently. Then he looked at Izaya as if to say, ‘Well? Handle it like you said you would maybe??!’

 

“Ah but isn’t our wedding ceremony, see, Akane chan,” Izaya grinned. “It’s your aunt’s wedding. I’m afraid we’ve already overstayed our welcome. We’ll take our leave now.”

 

“No, no. It’s quite ok. You can proceed with the ceremony; it’s on the house, as long as it makes Akane-chan happy.” Dougen Awakusu spoke up, and patted Akane on her head.

 

“Yes, thank you Grandpa!” Akane beamed.

 

“You heard the Boss, Orihara san, Heiwajima san. We wouldn’t want to upset Akane chan, or the Awakusu Kai’s hospitality now, would we?” Akabayashi smiled at them both, Izaya the only one able to translate the true threat that lurked behind the sunglasses.

 

“Hey what do you know? A free wedding!” Mairu giggled.

 

Shizuo and Izaya gaped.

 

“(And also) a honeymoon suite. (Lucky.)” Kururi whispered.

 

Shizuo and Izaya’s gazes made contact, then averted immediately. (They were NOT blushing)

 

“WELL THEN!” sang Erika from near the stage. Seems like the distance between the balcony to the stage was nothing to a hardcore fujoshi’s hunt for BL-goodness; she’d scaled all her way here to capture the moments from the best angles. “Now that that’s settled, Kiss Kiss Fall in Love**!!!”

 

“I am a modest Japanese man of honor and dignity! No way will lower myself and kiss this gross Protozoan!” yelled Izaya, desperate for any excuse to escape.

 

“HEY WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?” bellowed Shizuo, taking an insult to his person at being labelled ‘gross’ (unkissable). It seems the wirings in his brain had finally short-circuited.

 

“We have special package for newly-married couple: free sushi ONE month!” Simon said.

Izaya promptly took off one of the glinting silver rings on his forefinger and slipped them into Shizuo’s ring finger.

 

Izaya never said he wasn’t petty.

 

 

♡

Shizuo almost smacked his head on the wall out of sheer frustration. Since when had relying on Izaya to be a responsible and level-headed adult worked out well for him?

 

Why had he agreed to be escorted to the Honeymoon Suite by the Wedding Car?

 

As they got into the car, the “Just Married” banner behind them fluttering in the wind, the car groaned to life and Shizuo felt an ominous sensation in the pit of his stomach. He should’ve bolted then and there and left Izaya to deal with the aftermath.

 

But one look at Akane’s hopeful cheery eyes had all his escape-wishes deflating.

 

Ok, valid reason, he couldn’t break Akane chan’s heart.

 

But why in all seven hells did Izaya agree to this??

 

 

On arrival to the hotel, Izaya wasted no time in gorging himself silly on the free sushi and wedding chocolates gifted to them. An inquiry along the lines of “Hey Flea, what’s next?” was answered with an almost unintillegible “You shtink! Go thake a showerr.’

 

So he figured he’d let the Bug sort through the food and his plans, and take a nice warm bath in the Jacuzzi installed in the 5 star hotel suite. _Relax, Shizuo. You don’t want the Flea’s blood on your hands, not yet, when it can be traced back to you so easily_. _The dipshit was an Informant and a master at stirring up trouble, surely he’d come up with some way to break off this charade, no use getting worked up over it_.

 

After what was easily over half an hour long dip in the warm bubbling water, Shizuo emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in a bathrobe and towel-drying his hair. He was relaxed and kind of sleepy after his bath, so if only Izaya cooperated and explained the escape plan to him, he could go back home and take a long nap and forget this day ever happened.

 

But what he saw upon entering the bedroom was this: Izaya quietly sitting amidst a bed of empty sushi trays and candy wrappers.

 

He approached him cautiously, wondering what was wrong. Izaya NEVER stays still for long.

 

He took up a wrapper at the foot of the bed and read the label: liquor infused, it read in bold words. _Uh oh. Izaya_ did not _look like someone who handled alcohol well._

 

“Hey, Izaya?” Shizuo placed a careful hand on his shoulder.

 

That was a wrong move- it awakened Izaya from whatever trance he’d fallen in.

 

Izaya was drunk and he was horny.

 

And poor husband Shizuo was now stuck in this mess!

 

“Ohh lingerie fetish, kinky!” Izaya giggled again at the scandalized look Shizuo was throwing his way, and sauntered closer, “I didn’t know what kind of undies you liked, Shizu chan! Don’t worry! I’ll prepare some for next time,” Shizuo balked. NEXT TIME? How drunk was this Shit?  “..but for now, lemme take a look at Little Shizu chan….” Izaya proceeded to ogle Shizuo’s crotch, licking his lips.

 

Not liking the off-hinged look in Izaya’s eyes, Shizuo attempted to scurry backwards with as much dignity as he could muster without actually appearing like a frightened puppy.

 

“Naw don’t run away now! You can’t leave me like this~!”

 

He barely noticed when he’d ended up backing away across the whole room, so when the back of his legs met the edge of the bed he stumbled.

 

That was all the opening Izaya needed, it seemed, as he took no time to pounce on top of Shizuo landing them both in a heap on the bed.

 

With a smirk, meant to be seductive but looking nothing short of murderous to Shizuo, he proceeded to dry hump his legs.

 

Shizuo was too shocked to react.

 

He felt lightheaded. He tried to blame it on the long steam-bath he’d taken just now. But everything was too hot, he couldn’t focus on anything nor muster the energy to stop Izaya. Both his and Izaya’s bodies were burning up, and the friction created by Izaya roughly, frantically rubbing his member between both of his own bare legs and Shizuo’s towel-clad thigh stirred something unfamiliar and primal in his stomach. He tried to look Izaya in the eye and warn him to cease this, but Izaya’s eyelids were shut tight as he moved nearer as if to meld their bodies together and panted harshly into Shizuo’s ear. As if on cue Shizuo finally managed to gather enough strength to latch his palms on Izaya’s hips, to push him away or bring him closer he wasn’t sure.

 

Izaya moaned deeply, a sound that was altogether a mix of being choked to death and eating the most delicious cheese-cake parfait in the world, snapping Shizuo out of his daze.

 

 “…. FLEA CUT THAT OUT!”

 

He grabbed him by the collar, fully prepared to throw him away if need be. But he needn’t go that far.

 

Izaya was fast asleep, fully sated, as could be judged by white splash of fluid covering both their thighs and Izaya’s now limp member.

 

Shizuo wiped them both down with the damp towel, then rushed to the bathroom, not wanting to spend another second staring at the serene smile and  fluterring eyelashes and the cheeks still stained a healthy red as his newly wed “wife” dozed off.

 

He had to take care of newly risen ‘Little Shizu-chan’.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is referring to the incident in which Akane ran away from home to ‘kill’ Shizuo, in Durararax2 Shou.  
> **Kiss Kiss Fall in Love~!! Of course, this song is none other than the opening of Ouran High School Host Club! If you haven’t seen it yet, GO WATCH IT NOW! What are you doing reading this crappy story *sulks in a corner with a dark cloud overhead*  
> ***I couldn't resist inserting this lyrics from the song Closer by Chainsmokers. :P  
> I hope you enjoyed reading this! I haven’t written smut before so criticism is much appreciated. Thanks for reading and please leave a comment!


	3. The Day After

♡

 

In a quiet neighbourhood in the suburbs of Ikebukuro, Tokyo, an unusual couple were enjoying their usual morning breakfast. Well, one of them was enjoying his breakfast anyway, the other was sitting across the table, their hands folded atop each other on the table and fidgeting nervously.

 

The man in glasses and dressed in a lab coat slowly chewed on his breakfast, saying nothing.

The headless woman dressed in black unfolded her hands, then re-folded them again, this time the left on top of the right.

 

Tears started coming out of the man’s eyes.

 

[Shinra! Are you ok??! What’s wrong?] Celty hurriedly crossed around the table and stood beside him, holding her PDA near to his face so he could read it.

 

Shinra finished half the water in his glass, and smiled a teary smile, “It’s perfect, just like you Celty! Sweet but with a punch of spicy Tsundereness.”

 

Celty looked at the half eaten tamagoyaki then looked again at Shinra, [What do you mean spicy? AND I’M NOT A TSUNDERE!!1] smoke billowed out of her neck and clouded the room.

 

“Aww Celty I love it when you blush like that..”

 

Their doorbell rang, interrupting them.

 

With a [We will talk about this later. You don’t have to finish that.] Celty signaled him to wait there and moved to open the door.

 

A few hushed murmurs could be heard, but Shinra didn’t get much time to wonder who was at their gate, as a figure clad in black, but not the one he was not really looking forward to nor expecting so early in the morning, bundled towards him, looking unusually spooked, their hair askew and eyes wide and red-rimmed.

 

“Izaya kun, as good as it is to see you so lively, I’d prefer it if you would kindly take your shoes off at the doorway. I’d rather not get dirt on Celty’s favourite carpet…you see, she’s really fond of these artificial leather carpets, she wouldn’t stop talking about them. … I wonder if that means she’s into bondage play..”

 

“SHINRA! Concentrate!” Izaya put Shinra’s face between his hands at face level and yelled in his face; years of experience dealing with Shinra's fanboying had taught him that, when Shinra got all ramble-y about Celty, the quickest method to shut him up was to stop it as early as possible.

 

So the yelling got his attention, and his eyes lost some of their glazed-and-looking-far-far-away-from-now look, to a somewhat normal look. “Yes Izaya kun, how many bones did you break this time?”

 

“No, no, Shinra nothing as trivial as that!! I’m INFECTED!!”

“Infected? With what?”

 

“Shizu germs!!”

 

Shinra blinked, then said, “I’m sure I heard you wrong that time. Can you say it slower so I get it?”

 

“IT’S SHIZU GERMS! Shizuo’s germs! SAVE ME SHINRA!”

 

Shinra leaned into Izaya’s personal space and took a few deep sniffs.

 

Izaya slapped his face away, making his glasses go askew in the process.

 

“I’m not DRUNK, Shinra! Well not now anyway…”Izaya trailed off.

 

“Ha ha Izaya. Ok you have my attention now. What do you need me to do?”

 

“Shiz..”

 

“Before you say anything, I’m not poisoning or knocking Shizuo out. It’s your fight, and I’m not butting in.”

 

“HE RAPED ME!”

 

Shinra choked.

 

 

♡

 [A few hours ago]

Shizuo awoke that morning slowly, welcoming these unfamiliar scenarios:

A familiar, yet unusual smell- kind of bitter, like coffee, but not quite as unpleasant,

and warmth like the early summer sun that he felt like he could bask in forever,

and something cool and metallic, barely a hair’s breadth away from cutting into the skin on his neck and ripping his voice-box out.

 

He woke with a start.

 

“THE HELL?!”

 

Eyes red as blood, appearing all the deadlier paired with the bloodlust that swam in them and the blush on the cheeks, glared murder at him. “One wrong move and I’ll rip your jugular.”

No lilting voice, no taunting smirk.

Shit, Izaya was pissed.

“Uh, Izaya honey, do you think you could move this knife?”

 

The knife pressed closer, drawing a few pinpricks of blood across his neck, not that Shizuo felt the pain; it felt like a little itch.

 

He still didn’t want to risk being killed by his “wife” on the day after his wedding.

 

“Okay okay, Izaya-kun, mind telling me what has your panties in a bunch today?”

 

“That’s it Shizu-chan.”

 

“Huh?” said Shizuo, confused.

 

“PANTIES!” Izaya yelled.

 

 He then closed his eyes and seemed to rein himself in with a deep breath, “I’m not wearing any pants, and neither are you. Why, Shizuo?”

 

A cold chill ran down Shizuo’s spine at the look Izaya now pointed at him.

 

The words triggered Shizuo’s memory: he remembered last night, the heat and the breathless gasps and the friction and those lust-filled eyes and the grinding; and then spending an hour immersed in the frigid shower dead at night, trying to get the heat out of his blood and especially his groin and return to bed.

 

Then upon returning to the bedroom finding more than half the bed infested by a very annoying and very butt-naked Parasite sleeping diagonally across the bed, all his limbs askew as if he were making snow-angels on the sheets, a cute smile plastered on his face.

 

 He remember slapping himself a few times because what the hell was wrong with him? How could he ever think of Izaya Orihara, Scum of Ikebukuro as cute and he should just push him off the bed and claim it as his, as was his right as husband….then again enter a bout of slapping himself silly because thinking of the words ‘claim’ ‘Izaya’ and ‘husband’ in the same sentence conjured disturbing (hot) and totally inappropriate images in his head.

 

He’d then briskly walked over to the bed and had gently nudged Izaya over, not because he cared, dammit! He hadn’t wanted to be attacked by a drunk and horny informant again...(maybe), and had laid down on his side and facing away because such a bright smile did not belong on such an evil face, not because it was blinding him.

 

Cold hands had wrapped around his torso then and he’d stiffened.

 

He’d craned his neck backwards- Izaya was fast asleep, smile still in place.

 

Shizuo had then sighed and tried to relax himself enough to sleep, and not focus on how their bodies melded together and how the places where Izaya’s skin touched his, goosebumps had raised on his skin. Izaya’s body was cold, colder than his own (‘Hah! As cold as his heart!’ he’d scoffed internally,) but it wasn’t uncomfortable because his own body temperature was always uncomfortably high for him, so even on cool days he’d have to leave the windows open. But Izaya’s body seemed to seep away the excess heat away from his, and he’d fallen asleep encircled in bony, lean arms.

♡

Izaya cleared his throat, snapping Shizuo out of his thoughts.

 

“Well, whatever happened, it wasn’t my fault. I tried to stop you, but you came onto me first.”

 

“I don’t remember.” Izaya hissed.

 

“Of course you don’t. You were drunk off your ass.” Shizuo deadpanned.

 

“I don’t see any empty wine bottles here.” Izaya narrowed his eyes.

 

“That’s because you were all shot up with those...” Shizuo waved his hand vaguely at the large amount of candy wrappers scattered across the floor like flower petals would be, had it been any regular married couple’s honeymoon suite.

 

The irony seemed to be lost on Izaya, who blinked, clueless.

He couldn’t see the writings on the wrappers from the bed, so he’d have to get up and pick one up to see what exactly Shizuo was talking about. But getting up would mean he’d have to let Shizuo loose from this knife-point. He paused and thought it through: should he risk exposing his unguarded back to Shizuo, and risk getting his backbone broken or worse, or should he stay there and threaten Shizuo at knife-point to get more of a confession out of him?

He glared at Shizuo and got a glare back in return.

 

Huh.

Well he was nothing if not curious, and Izaya’s biggest weakness (other than ootoro) was information.

With another scathing glare down at his arch-nemesis, he made a show of putting his knife back inside the hidden compartment of his arm-sleeve. Not breaking eye contact, he slowly rose up from Shizuo and stretched down and reached out to pick up the nearest piece of wrapper.

His fingers touched the tip of the shiny paper, and his eyes caught sight of his discarded pants, underwear still tucked in and belt still looped in place, and memories of last night flashed through him, freezing him to the spot. With slightly quivering hands, he moved the label closer to his face to read it. “Liquor infused” it said proudly in bold, curling letters, the pink and red packaging mocking him and his habit of stress-eating at times he felt cornered and couldn’t come up with a perfect solution.

His face and ears enflamed, he quickly stole a look back at Shizuo, whose cheeks were equally red and was looking far away at the empty wall.

Why would he…oh..OH!

Izaya’s shirt had ridden up as he’d stooped down, giving Shizuo a perfectly good view of Izaya’s pert round butt. Izaya gave a mortified squeak and ran into the bathroom, locking himself inside.

 

[Back to now, at Shinra and Celty’s shared apartment]

 

Shizuo sat at the table beside Shinra’s forgotten ‘breakfast,’ and watched as Izaya nervously paced the space between the living space and kitchenette. It was unnerving to see Izaya so unsettled, that THE calm and collected Izaya could display such humane unease was disturbing.

 

“Izaya! I told you it’s ok,” he found himself calling out to the nervous informant.

 

“OK!?” Izaya whirled around, “It’s not okay, Shizu-chan! What if you have STDs, like AIDS, or syphilis, or gonorrhea, or worse, COOTIES?” He shivered, earning an eye-roll from Shizuo which went unnoticed. “What if you passed them on to me? I want to live forever, you know, not die at 21 with stupid Shizu-germs!”

 

“Don’t be absurd, we’re both 23.” Shizuo pointed out wisely, ignoring the rest of the ramble about STDs. He couldn’t very well say he was clean as he’d never had unprotected sex before. Or rather that he’d never gotten past a date and even that was back at high school, so sex was out of the question entirely. He didn’t feel comfortable divulging such personal information to the Shitty Informant, who was rumored to be quite the promiscuous man himself.

 

So he let Izaya pace a hole into Celty’s, and by default, Shinra’s favorite rug, waiting impatiently for the results of the blood tests.

 

“Bad news, Izaya kun,” Shinra declared as he stepped into the room, skimming through the test results.

 

Izaya’s shoulders slumped, blood drained from his face as it gained a paler hue then it usually did, and even Shizuo sat up straighter from his slouch as Izaya took the chair next to him, his face dark.

 

“What is it?”

 

“You have high blood sugar, and your blood alcohol content is a bit abnormal. But it’ll pass if you drink plenty of fluids throughout the day and burn off the sugar, exercising should do the job...”

 

“Quit dallying and get to the point, Shinra! Am I dying?”

 

“Why would you be dying?”

 

“...You said you had bad news?”

 

“Oh that!” Shinra paused to push his glasses up his nose, “I’d hoped some result would come out as positive and I’d finally be able to take some of Shizuo kun’s blood for testing. Unfortunately, you’re perfectly fine, Izaya kun.”

 

“!@#$%^&!!” Izaya yelled, incoherent with rage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a horrible procrastinator and I am so so sorry for the super late update. This chapter has been sitting all typed up and unedited in my folder and I finally have had the guts to post it (not that I like it much *sulks*)  
> Future updates will be infrequent as I'm still a newbie at juggling college and life Orz  
> Enjoy! (please)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still a novice at this. If you like it then leave a comment and please tell me where I need to improve! Thanks for reading!


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